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 An apology 
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Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:11 pm
Posts: 344
I wish to apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I have decided to give no credence any more to Maria's dreams-visions. She receives them, so they are meant for her personally. If the universe has any private message for me, it can deliver it straight to me.

Maria receives the large visionary part, while I get intuitive "streamings". I have trusted completely in the veracity of her vistas, which I have tried to back up by cross-subject comparative analysis.

Ironically, I have also tried to discredit and disregard my own intuitive insights. What if those events won't happen at all? What if they represent a dramatically externalized metaphor for psycho-spiritual processes? What if ....

I have noticed that Maria confuses content. Most disturbingly, she cannot even tell where her information comes from -- whether from her head, or from her heart. I must take into account the likelihood of her being either mentally unsound (for which there are various indications), or manipulated by negative entities in order to stall our spiritual growth.

I won't go into the depressing details of my "life". Suffice it to say I am incapable of breaking the cycle of depressions and frustrations. Whenever I finish another major post on the Forum, I get sucked back into the black hole.

In spite of everything I've researched and spiritual techniques I've applied to mend my situation, nothing has improved. I remain stuck in a dead-end. I make no progress whatsoever in terms of developing my human nature. I feel left behind by life's retreating tide, like a crab in the mud.

The total lack of any constructive response concerning my research adds to my impression of complete personal failure. I must assume that my entire work has been fundamentally compromised by not matching up to its promises: for if I find myself incapable of helping myself, how can I assume that my work be of any benefit to anybody else?

I am angry at myself, having been so blind as to believe in Maria's dreams-visions, having been so foolish as to follow deep and deeper down the rabbit hole, without leaving any kind of life-line behind. I got lost, and I can't find my way out.

I have never intended to spread fear or confusion. I have been conveying messages which are potentially flawed and misguiding. As long as this confusion prevails, and as long as the universe does not confirm either futility or utility of my work, there is no point in continuing it any longer.

I shall consider this post my last one on the Forum.

Sincerely sorry,

The Vine Messenger

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Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:03 pm
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Joined: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:48 pm
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What a wonderful post.
This is the kind of insight that other sufferers need to hear.

Please don't stop posting; unless it is hurting you or you feel it is holding you back in some way, and then of course, stop.

If sharing is your burden, even to an audience of silence, then unburden yourself. Over and over and over again.

All it takes is one right ear to make it worth it.

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Sun Jun 19, 2011 2:16 pm
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I don't know what Maria you're referring to or what half of this post is about, but I can deduce enough to attempt the necessary "cheer up!" reply...with a little help from Bashar.
:-)



Just a few examples of my own lessons that I've learned from vain attempts to spur myself onto change in accordance with second-hand ideas I've collected about my responsibilities here and what is required in order for me to feel validated and worthy of existence...

Here's a brief passage from a blog of mine titled TIPHARETH, describing the gut-wrenching emotional pressures I was going through during my second Dark Night of the Soul:

Quote:
After my first dark night, I assumed there was some issue regarding my interactions with people that I had to go further with; Perhaps I needed to find some way to be more social and emotionally open, to be less self-important and more of service, etc. I looked around at all the bored, old folks sitting around selling useless junk. What should I do to make this situation better?

The more I pressured myself to come up with an answer, the more hopeless I felt. Several times I wondered if I should just try to enjoy and appreciate things the way they are, but I was convinced that this would only make them stay the same; I'd be stuck in another time-loop, doing the same thing over and over, being mindlessly herded and led about by outside circumstances, until I finally died unfulfilled of old age…"More effort would be required of me," that's what that voice had said, right?

I was still silently beating myself up over this as we walked along, when suddenly some guy steps out from his storage shed and approaches us to say, "Ya know, if you only try to help other people, that's all you're ever gonna get…" He may have added something else to it, but that was the basic gist of the short conversation. We quickly walked away from him, and Zach turned around to say with a grin, "SOMEBODY's been doing too much acid!"

I was gripped by the paranoid thought, as I had been many times before, that maybe everyone else had always been able to read my mind, and I was the only one who had never been aware of it…I also wondered if maybe he was trying to trick me, by making me doubt or forget about my resolve to do something. Maybe he was unwittingly being influenced by some negative psychic force to try and discourage me?

But when I looked around again and all these bored, inanimate old folks, possessed by the "commerce mind" and lack of anything more meaningful to do with their lives, I couldn't help but realize…That I was actually in a more miserable state than they were at the moment. How could I do anything for them, when I was the one at the end of my rope? Or was I supposed to deny my pain, like some kind of martyr, and be more concerned with others anyways?

I don't remember much else of what happened there, but I eventually arrived back at home, where I could be alone to unleash some more tears. I tried to distract myself by doing some housework, and came up with an ingenious idea; I turned on the vacuum cleaner, using its monotonous hum as a drone note, and attempted to hum/sing my sobs out into song. (I actually have a few programs now that deal with singing as a healing method, and it's interesting that each emotion seems to have its own musical mode).




Spiritual growth, from the point where we are now, can be boiled down to the simple act of recognizing the oneness of all, and seeing the love in the present moment; There have been unlimited sacrifices made for each of us to be here, and feeling gratitude and appreciation for that at all times is the most appropriate response if you want to remain emotionally healthy. The more that you begin to realize that there is no real separation between us, the more helping and serving other in any small way will become a natural and un-forced response; Would you not help your leg if it was hurting? There's no need to seek after trials or suffering, but if they come, simply allow them to purify you, and don't indulge in them. In order to help another, it may sometimes be necessary to open up to the pain their feeling before you can understand them...But you can't do this if you're already to full of your own. So you've correctly realized that you have to deal with yourself first!

"Before one can be free to serve another, one must come into relationship with the self, and the process of arriving at a love and acceptance of the self may seem very selfish and egotistical."
---Q'uo

Anyways...For years after that last dark night, I've continued to have lots of embarrassing sexually-themed syncs around certain females, as I've always had a bit of an anxiety problem around them and a hard time being myself...And I can recall that one night I was praying for some advice on what the hell I was doing here and how I could be of better service to God or the world or whatever I was supposedly here for...And a message in my dream told me quite plainly that the most helpful thing I could do would be to allow my orange (sacral) chakra to express itself more freely. And of course, this energy center deals with lessons about emotions, sexuality, and perception of the self.

Progess in that area has been incredibly slow and awkward, so I have to constantly give myself affirmations and assurances that everything is fine the way it is, while attempting to nudge myself out of my comfort zones...

Don't ever try to see yourself as a failure; You just tried some things that gave some results that didn't end up meeting your expectations. That happens to everyone all the time, and the only person judging you for it is yourself...Your ideas and opinions are still just as valid as anyone else's; All of our criticisms and judgements about ourselves are based on snapshots and tiny time-slices from our limited perceptions of our lives, and how they compare with our accepted belief systems. But our deeper identity is so much more than we can ever even fully experience, because we're constantly expanding and changing, and no point of that experience can be said to be any more right or wrong than another.

So pick yourself up, brother! You're the only one who can...


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Pay attention to what you think of as coincidences & you will discover another order that underlies the one you follow. The rich interweavings of probabilities are apparent if you stop organizing perception in prepackaged ways.
--SETH (Jane Roberts)


Sun Jun 19, 2011 2:27 pm
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Why leave now that the lesson's goal at your grasp? You already spelled it out for us what it was all about.

Just make the connections. The depression circles. Everybody hungry on the path knows them. They are there for a reason. They want to drive you to submission. If you want to know and make use of the "mysteries" you must allow it to teach you how it works. You are on the right way. It may seem painful sometimes but take your time to analyze it. Whenever you give up the authority of yourself and your heart you can be misled.

The story of you and Maria is the same as of the "disinfo" writer and me I told you about. It was to realize how it works. That's all. The lesson is: Don't trust anybody outside yourself. It doesn't matter how close you are to them. Do not let it out on Maria or a condition you might think she has. The lesson is to accept that you made an error by trusting not yourself. That's all. It is meant for you to grow. It is unavoidable to make errors. As long as you analyze it and learn from them.

Maria was just used as a "tool" in a lecture for you. Everything and everybody can be used for it - knowingly or (mostly) unknowingly. Same can happen to you, me, everybody else. Don't let that affect your relationship at all.

Why the hell am I writing all this? I know already that you're hungry enough to return on your path and where it leads you. :mrgreen:

Namaste,

Deckard666


Sun Jun 19, 2011 11:24 pm
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I thank you all for your encouraging support!

This Forum is truly an oasis of lucid sanity, in a desert of atavistic madness.

On the summer solstice (21-22 June), I suffered a severe nervous breakdown.

I declared to my mom Maria and my grandma (henceforth referred to as "Jabba") that I would commit suicide unless the suffocating standstill be turned around. I was screaming and yelling and crying like a madman. The day before I tried to strangle Maria in insane rage .... not with serious intent .... I just wanted to get away from her and everything .....

I was heavily depressed and frustrated at my inability to get a grip on my life. Plus the fact that Jabba keeps spreading lies about and driving wedges between my mom and me, with the deliberate intent to break us apart and turn us against each other.

Jabba is the most evil, most cunning, most dangerous person I've ever encountered, and I'm not saying this out of disproportionate grudge. Without going into the details of her pathologic, compulsive, repulsive behaviour, in every respect she fits the textbook profile of a psychopathic series killer, a multipolar schizophrenic .... and a demonically possessed.

Maria saw a distinct change in Jabba's eyes during one of her typical hateful fits: the white turned YELLOW, and the pupils became VERTICAL SLITS! My dad's eyes underwent the same change whenever he turned violent against Maria. The German Nazi-Zionist landlord who tried to recruit us in Esquel, Argentina had the same eyes, too.

A Gnostic would have recognized immediately the subversive presence of the Archons. In retrospective, I realize that Jabba, or "some force" working through her, manipulated me to gone insane and hurt my mom --- so that she would kill herself, and then I myself out of guilt.

After the summer solstice episode, I wrote this apology post. I wanted to retreat for as long as my dangerous confusion prevailed. I wanted a direct message from the universe.

The message was delivered promptly.

What then followed, was a three-day research-and-writing rampage which resulted in the Berlin Mega-Ritual post. I wrote 20 hours non-stop without eating or leaving my room every day. The moment my concluding post was uploaded, I slipped into Morpheus' arms with thankful relief. Then dawned the Aurora Dreams.

I'm also deeply relieved that the suggested 26 June Mega-Ritual did not happen .... if it was planned to happen at all. 10 minutes after kickoff, German player no. 18 scored the first goal; the Canadian keeper no. 18 was dressed in blue-white. Germany won the match 2:1.

I have shared a considerable part of my journey through my posts, in the first place to understand where I come from, what I've been through, and where I may be heading.

Carlos Castaneda and Gurdjieff encouraged the sincere seeker to look out for a petty tyrant, in order to put all his/her cunning to the test. The seeker is to overcome the tyrant by analyzing his/her petty behaviour, find out weak and strong points, and make smart use of them.

My petty tyrants are my father and my grandma. They have shown me my own weak and strong points, and I have used their own against them. The summer solstice breakdown broke the spell they had over me. I showed my own vulnerability, and released my fear of getting hurt.

By realizing my human nature, I conquered the tyrants.

I keep reveiling my soul, for there is nothing to hide.
I keep opening my heart, for there is nothing to guard.
I keep sharing my self, for there is nothing to lose.

I wish to encourage anyone who may be reading this:

Unburden your moaning soul.
Unlock the treasure vault of your hardened heart.
Unveil the beatific beauty of your immaculate self.

I wish everyone of you shall become a star in your own regard!

:teleport: :love:

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Tue Jun 28, 2011 12:25 am
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